


Say Geronimo (Bombs Away)

by br0ken_hands



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Space, Gen, featuring special guest: Kiri. kind of.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 05:49:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17218184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br0ken_hands/pseuds/br0ken_hands
Summary: When he looks back up, Beau and Jester both have a devilish gleam in their eyes. One that Fjord is all too familiar with."No, you are not going to let Kiri wander the floors with a knife.""But Fjord!""Capt'n, think of all the possibilities!"or, a Humans are Weird fic inspired by those tumblr posts about Humans in Space with Aliens, featuring knife!Roomba





	Say Geronimo (Bombs Away)

This was a bad idea. Really, anyone who wasn't part of a crew stuck together in a tiny cramped vessel for months at a time where their only entertainment was a holoprojector with exactly 8 movies and their own imagination would have seen that this was a bad idea. Unfortunately, the Mighty Nein are a crew stuck together in a tiny cramped vessel for months at a time where their only entertainment was a holoprojector with exactly 8 movies and their own imagination. Which is why this happened.

 

"Captain Fjord, permission to speak."

 

Fjord sighs from his place at the ship's helm, turning around to face Quartermaster Beauregard. "We've gone over this before, no more of this Captain this, Captain that thing, we're on this godforsaken ship together for another three cycles before we hit our final shipping destination, you can lose the formality."

 

Beau's standing there with Medic Jester, both with massive grins on their faces, and Jester's hands are hidden behind her back.

 

Fjord frowns. _What nonsense have these two come up with this time?_

 

"We're here to introduce the newest member of our crew, Capt'n."

 

Fjord's frown deepens, his tusks making an appearance as they peek out from over his lip when he grimaces. "A stowaway? From the last resupply station?" But the last time they had been at a station had been over a week ago, they would have found it sooner. And the last stowaway... Fjord shudders at the thought of the adventures Twiggy had put them through.

 

"No sir, simply a new addition."

 

Fjord rubs his forehead. Again with the sirs and Capt'n's. "Show me."

 

Jester beams as she pulls her hands from behind her back and presents him a modified robotic vacuuming unit.

 

Fjord takes the proffered machine in his hands, turning it around. "What... is the meaning of this?"

 

"That's Kiri! Look, she has eyes!" Jester is practically glowing as she points out the little paper eyes they stuck onto the top of the Roomba.

 

Right beside the kitchen knife haphazardly taped onto its top.

 

"And the improvised weaponry?"

 

Jester shrugs. "Kiri needs some way of defending herself from potential boarders and pirates but she doesn't have fingers to use guns, see? So we stuck a knife on her."

 

Fjord has heard of stories about how humans and tieflings were equally likely to bond to silly mundane things and give them names and personalities. Hell, he had been advised on his first trip as a captain to provide ample creatures for his crew to bond to on _The Mistake_ lest they attempt to bring a highly aggressive and poisonous furry predator on board as a "pet". He had gone immense lengths to ensure that they had a "weasel", "owl", and "dog" on board, along with human Caleb's own pet "cat". These, Vandren had said, were all acceptably safe creatures to have on the ship. Fjord had figured that this would sate the humans and tieflings enough to keep them on track and productive.

 

This, however, was unexpected. At least it wasn't going to actively stalk him around the ship until it found the right time to pounce and string him up to feast on, he supposes.

 

"So is... Kiri... now out of our vacuum rotation then?"

 

When he looks back up, Beau and Jester both have a devilish gleam in their eyes. One that Fjord is all too familiar with.

 

"No, you are not going to let Kiri wander the floors with a knife."

 

"But Fjord!"

 

"Capt'n, think of all the possibilities!"

 

"No."

 

Beau pouts, giving what the humans liked to call their "puppy" face. Fjord still doesn't quite understand it, they don't look anything more like Nugget down in the living quarters. He's also unsure as to why tieflings enjoy naming their "pets" after foods. Perhaps he should be more worried.

 

"But Capt'n, think of all the awareness and agility training it would provide for the crew!"

 

"At the expense of their ankles?"

 

"And to be fair, we won't have enough Roombas on rotation if we take Kiri out."

 

Fjord sighs, handing Kiri back to Jester. "Listen, I can't-"

 

And then as if on cue, Jester begins to imitate signs of distress. At least, he thinks they're signs of distress, he's not too sure, but her eyes are watering and her lower lip trembling and quite frankly he's not prepared to deal with a wailing tiefling today.

 

"Fine! Fine, Kiri can continue on rotation... just... if any of the crew get stabbed, you're not allowed to use medical bay supplies for the injury."

 

Jester cheers and Beau grins broadly. "You won't regret this, Capt'n!"

 

Fjord sighs long and hard as they leave, whooping and hollering down the hall. _What have I done..._

 

\--

 

With a little bit of help from the engineers, the crew manage to rig a scoreboard that sits in the crew's commons that counts the number of crew members who had fallen victim to Kiri's ever-present stabbing shenanigans. It would reset at the start of every day, but not before Jester had notched her new kills on a thin leather belt that ran around Kiri's circumference.

 

Kiri's first victim is chief nutritionist Caduceus. Too tall to notice the slowly trundling weaponised robot as he cuts carrots into chunks, the knife nicks his ankle before zipping away, leaving the firbolg with a cut and a mouthful of words so rotten Fjord winces as he passes by.

 

"I knew one of my knives had gone missing..." He mutters, turning back to the half-julienned carrot sticks.

 

Gunnery Officer Yasha had been equally unimpressed when she fell victim to being stabbed in the ankle, leading to Kiri being turned off and tossed onto the mess table by a disgruntled aasimar demanding to know "what in Kord's good name is this fuckery" and after accusations of Yasha "killing" their little friend by turning her off, the crew had attempted to encourage her to bond with the now "dead" robot. While Yasha eventually takes to the creature, she still often eyes it with suspicion.

 

What convinces her to tolerate the moving puck of stabbing isn't Beau and Jester's comical pleas, but rather Frumpkin, Navigator Caleb Widogast's pet cat. Although initially frightened by the presence of the knife-wielding Roomba, Frumpkin eventually became accustomed to it enough to sit on top of the machine as it rolled around the ship deck, mreowing loudly as it approached an unsuspecting crew member. While this brought down Kiri's daily victim score much to Jester's disappointment, Yasha had found immense satisfaction from seeing the cat perched on the spinning disk of death and finally concluded that she wouldn't, in fact, dismantle the crude weapon setup.

 

The rest of the crew don't have much of an opinion on Kiri, which is why it surprises Fjord when Gunnery Officer Nott staggers up to him one evening, drunk on whatever liquor filled her flask she holds in one hand, grasping the armed robot in the other hand.

 

"Captain Fjord, I have a re- _hic-_ request!"

 

Fjord looks up from the maps where he and Caleb had been plotting their next warp jump.

 

"What is it?"

 

Nott lifts Kiri triumphantly, almost falling over. "Kiri needs a rank!"

 

As Caleb continues his calculations beside him, Fjord rubs his temples and groans. "I don't- why?"

 

"Because all of us have titles and Kiri feels left out."

 

"Robots don't-"

 

" _Don't you 'robots don't have feelings' me, I thought this was a speciesism-free ship!"_

 

Fjord looks to Caleb for help but the human is too engrossed in the calculations to do anything. Sighing, Fjord relents.

 

"Custodial Officer Kiri it is, then."

 

Fjord shakes his head as Nott dances down the hallway with Kiri in tow. He really does love his crew too much.

 

If there's the smell of aerosol in the crew's quarters and a bright yellow stripe on Kiri's back later that evening, Fjord chooses not to comment.

 

\--

 

"Everybody strapped in? Jump in T-minus 3 minutes."

 

Quartermaster Beau and Navigator Caleb scramble beside him to get into their seats with controls in their hands as they finish plotting their jump course. Across the comms, various voices respond, each crew member preparing themselves for the inevitable lurch of hyperspace.

 

As the newly ranked Custodial Officer, Kiri had been docked with the rest of the Roombas with explicit instructions to defend them with her life and keep them safe. The gleam of the knife as she backed into her charging dock seemed to like an affirmative to Fjord, which is good enough, he supposes.

 

"Jump thrusters approaching 40%, regulators running at peak efficiency..." Beau rattles off statistics from her seat at the controls as Fjord eyes the vast darkness that surrounds them, lit by only the most distant stars.

 

"Coordinates are loaded, ready for the jump." Caleb nods to him and sits down at his chair, buckling his seatbelt in and leaning back, Frumpkin in his lap.

 

"Jump in T-minus 30 seconds..." Beau responds.

 

"Hey Fjord?" Jester's voice cuts in through the comms.

 

"What is it?"

 

"I've been thinking about Kiri..."

 

"T-minus 15 seconds."

 

"Jester, can this wait? I-"

 

"I think Kiri is lonely and she needs a friend."

 

"Are you suggesting-"

 

"T-minus 10 seconds."

 

"Jester, we're not having another knife Roomba on board."

 

"But she's lonely!"

 

"5."

 

"Jester, we'll talk about this later."

 

"4."

 

"Promise?"

 

"3."

 

Fjord nods at his crew and readies his hand.

 

"2."

 

"Promise."

 

"1. Launching now."

 

Fjord presses the glowing red button, and all is hyperspace.

**Author's Note:**

> This whole fic is inspired by a series of posts on tumblr how aliens might perceive humans during their space travels and all the strange things humans would do. You can find them at frumpkinspocketdimension.tumblr.com/tagged/space%20cowboys.
> 
> Many thanks to SLEEVES and rxngerdxnger on tumblr for helping me get this idea on its feet.
> 
> Song title from Geronimo by the Shepperds
> 
> Tumblr: frumpkinspocketdimension  
> Discord: SweetBabyRae#0967


End file.
